Moving on Up

Tomorrow will be busy, so it won't be such a hard day.  But in the evening, after the kids are tucked in to bed in their brand new bedroom, which is big enough to run in, and after the house is quiet and I am surrounded by piles and boxes and the disarray that will become our own cozy life, I can't be entirely sure I won't be overcome.

This has been a difficult week for so many people.  On top of the emotions I feel on a daily basis about my life situation, there has been a death that brought up a lot of feelings for thousands upon thousands of people ("Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning.") and a death that broke our hearts and ignited a lot of much needed speculation and discussion ("All of this repression, because the police killed a kid and the community wants answers." - @jbouie).  Personally, I have broken down and again asked for help, because I haven't been doing this alone, but things have become more complex and I don't know what else to do.

I could sit here and put down thousands upon thousands of words about this journey we are in the midst of.  I could pound these keys until my fingers were numb, and it still would not be quite enough to convey what we have been through, what we are going through, and what we will go through.  I could open my heart and spill it as tears spilled down my cheeks, because they are inevitable, and sometimes I try to do that, but in the end there is always more to be said.

For the past eight months, my haven has been my Mom and Paul's house.  Appropriately, the Hope household.  They took me in like a wounded bird back to the nest, and allowed me to settle in.  They welcomed me and my boys with open arms, without question or complaint about losing their space, the toys spread across the house that sometimes I am too tired to pick up every night, the loads and loads of laundry, the dirty dishes and play dough messes, the moments they took care of my boys while I cried in the bathroom, the noisiness of little boys.  Not only have they been incredibly gracious about us being there, they have also helped beyond anything I could possibly thank them for.  When I say there are no words for the gratitude I have, I am not being hyperbolic.

Without them, I would be nowhere.  Though not the sole reason I have been able to get back on my feet, find myself, and start building a good, stable life for me and my boys, they are certainly the biggest part of it.  Where would I have been, a single, jobless mother of two children, with an ex who chooses himself over supporting his children?  I cannot even imagine.  One of my greatest aspirations and hopes in life is that I will one day be able to pay forward all of the help, love, and support that my family and friends have given to me these last few months and years.  If I can help someone even a fraction of the way that my loved ones have helped me, I will have made the world a better place.  

This morning, my mom said "Today is your last day living with me.  I have mixed feelings."  So mixed.  To be truthful about it, I am simultaneously excited beyond belief and slightly terrified.  I have never lived alone.  I moved out of my parents house when I was 18, almost 19, with a roommate.  Shortly thereafter, Justin moved in and that was that.  At 33, this will be my first time with my own space, my first time with a home of my own.

I will miss my Mom and Paul.  I will miss chatting on weekend mornings.  I will miss hearing them yelling at Russell Wilson from the basement.  I will miss sitting with my mom chatting late into the night, laughing together.  I will miss finding my mom on the couch watching the trailer for Outlander for the 369th time.  I will miss Paul telling us that there is going to be a weather event tomorrow.  Yes, we will be less than 5 minutes away, but I will miss my family none the less.

I have been a single mother for a long time, to be truthful.  But even in the bad times, I have had someone living with me who has helped in some way, even if that amount of help was minimal.  Now we will be on our own.  It will be wonderful for Sam and Danny.  As school starts, our hearts will knit, and we will establish a routine, and they will grow stronger as the days go by.  Their lives will be stable, something they will be more able to understand, and our family will thrive and flourish.  I will continue to find myself and grow and change.  We all will.