Where self doubt rushes over me like waves. I replay actions and conversations in my mind over and over and over, and try in vain to figure out where and how exactly I went so wrong that I deserved what I got. I sit, staring into space and becoming more and more exhausted as I try to work it out.
I have been in this place before.
Where pain pulls at my chest like my heart being tugged into the open, and I'm raw and bare and griefstricken.
I have been in this place before.
So sure that I am a good person, that I try hard and respect the people I care about, only to have it mean exactly nothing. So I start to think that maybe I am not the person I thought I was.
I have been in this place before.
Where I cry until I can't see or breathe, tears running down my face and neck, used tissues rising like a small mountain in front of me. I move through my day like a ball of nerves, waiting for the next thing that will set me off and bring tears again.
I have been in this place before.
Exactly two years ago today, I lost my last job. I stayed for a week after things changed, trying, but I think that deep in my heart it was all over that day.
Yesterday, almost two years to the day, I lost my job again. I was at work for 10 minutes, including being let go and gathering my things while I tried in vain not to cry too much and not to make eye contact with any of my co-workers.
I was not given the chance to speak. I was not given any chances at all, and was told it didn't matter. The last 22 months, negated, gone in a flash.
I got my things and drove to Scott's, and sobbed until I couldn't breathe, took a Xanax, and tried to catch my breath while I shook and cried in his arms, full of shock and disbelief, grief and humiliation.
I have been in this place before.
Where someone I thought knew me better... just didn't. Where I am left wondering if I invest myself too much, or let myself believe that people care for me who actually don't. Wondering if I am really not as smart as I thought.
I have been in this place before.
Where all I can do is obsess over how there are people out there who think I am awful and that I would do damaging things to them on purpose, and know that there is no outlet, no reason to reach out, no way to converse or try to explain because you cannot talk into closed ears, and even if they did open them, what would be the point? I can never go back there.
I have been in this place before.
Where I feel like I just can't handle one more fucking thing happening to me.
Where I wonder if my life will ever be easy, or if I will always be struggling.
Where something happens to me and I feel like this is one of the worst things that's ever happened to me and I wonder how many more god damned worse things can happen before I catch a break.
Where I feel like a failure as I accept the fact that I cannot be on my own, not right now.
I have been in this place before.
I wasn't the same then. I am different now. I am stronger. I have the same supports I did before, but have additional ones I didn't have then. I have changed, and that is a good thing. I know it will eventually be all right, but that doesn't stop the pain.
I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. Like I am right back where I was two years ago, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Somewhere in my mind I know that I can move forward. But in my heart all I can feel is that
I have been in this place before.
