Roller Coaster

Day 2.

I thought I was feeling better.  I did start to feel a tiny bit of hope today, I see friends who are doing things to make a difference.  I see people I respect and care about showing strength by saying they will concentrate on what they can do on a local level to make the world a better place, and how they will fight for what they believe in.  I have read Facebook posts spreading messages of support for all of the people who feel they are in danger now.

But that's the problem.  Not only do people feel they are in danger, they ARE in danger.  People I love, are in danger.  Terrible, awful things have been happening.  In direct response to this election, in direct response to the example the new president elect has set and the behaviors he has made okay.  In direct response to the leader of the free world being a racist, misogynistic, homophobic egomaniac.

High school students chanting "build the wall" in their cafeteria. 

Women being sexually assaulted (grabbed by the pussy - THANKS DONALD) because of a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker, or just because, well, they HAVE a pussy.

Racial slurs, everywhere.  Left in printed and handwritten notes on the windshields of cars, spray painted, shouted at people on college campuses, in subways, at gas stations, in schools.

Hijabs being ripped off the heads of people going about their business, while others must make a decision about whether to stand strong in their beliefs or leave the hijab at home because they don't feel safe.

A Latina college student coming back to a wall built across the dorm room by her roommate telling her to get ready because Trump is president now.

Countless people, including my friend's adopted/foster daughters, being told to "go back where they came from."

Incident after incident after heartbreaking, sickening incident.

So the tears come again, and I cover my face, turning away from my children because I can't begin to explain this, not today, not right this moment when I can barely manage to bring my own thoughts together.  I know it's absolutely important to talk to them about this stuff.  I want them to be on the right side of things, to know how to use their good hearts and kindness and privilege to protect and stand up for people. But right now I just want them to be kids for one more day and not understand the ugliness that's happening all around us.

What is this?  How can this be?  This is the worst part of humanity.  This is not who we are.

Please, don't let this be who we are.  

My heart feels rent into 1000 pieces.  Because it's not just adults, it's CHILDREN.  Kids who have learned such hatred and intolerance and now are physically and verbally assaulting other children.  This is not the world I want for my sons.  This is not the world I want for my nieces.

There is a part of me deep inside where a bubbling black hole of despair and confusion sits.  It comes to the surface in my tears, in the ache in my chest, in the way that every so often my stomach threatens to send back up everything I've eaten today.

All I can think is that somehow, we have to fix this, but I don't know how.