so tender and sensitive already
that there isn’t even a buildup,
and when triggers snap,
the pain is instantaneous and
extremely intense.
Sometimes agony,
it builds and builds and
then a crest, a blessed hilltop
and suddenly I breathe again
and solace comes in bits and moments before
the pain starts to build again.
Not this time.
This time, from the beginning,
I’m not sure if I can bear it.
There is no retreat,
nowhere to catch my breath.
Everything becomes blurred,
I lose myself in the depths and
for the first time I lean towards pure pain,
away from what is easy.
I so want to see if I can push through,
find out if we
arrive on the other side changed;
stronger.
I have never been here before,
body and mind fully exposed
electricity coursing through me.
Stop it,
over and over,
impulses fire, I think it once, twice,
I never stop thinking about it.
But I don’t.
I hold on, I bear it.
The truth is
I don't know how long I can hold on,
I was already past knowing that
the moment it began.
I am surprised that this is inside of me.
That I would submit fully to
experience to the
opposite of fear, to
pain inflicted upon me.
Pressure builds and I bend with the torture of it.
Moist eyes close and
I can do nothing but hold on and whimper.
Voices swirl inside my head,
the only sounds are
my exploration of this side of myself
exposition of the mist left behind
when fear is gone.
I couldn't have imagined trusting myself
so completely.
I trust for it to come to an end.
And it does.
And it is amazing.
Who knew that my mind could expand to a place
of knowing that pain ends -
if you just hold on.
Suddenly, you are changed
from coal to something stronger.
Relief, warmth, endorphins and
self-awareness, pride and immense love
for myself and for those who
catch me.
I am ensconced.
I am pulled against them,
folded on myself
into their arms.
Let it go,
you’re okay,
we've got you, we’re right here,
soft whispers of love
as the sun rises once more.
