Into the Great Wide Open

It feels a little weird to be sitting in Starbucks at 10:40 on a Tuesday morning.  I have nowhere to be, and a pervasive sense of loneliness.  And I feel like I need to just sit in it and let it wash over me, there's no way around this or over it, I must go through it.

A little over a week ago, I was informed that the new position I moved into at work in January wasn't really working out.  It wasn't a complete surprise.  There have been incidents in the past few weeks that made me feel as though perhaps this fit wasn't quite so good.

Nonetheless, being called into your boss's office at 9:30 on a Monday morning and told that you're being knocked down to on-call/as-needed status after 19 months of feeling like you're part of a team... it stings.  Being told that you really dropped the ball on something important that you didn't really know you were supposed to be working on feels pretty unfair.  Being told that, oh by the way, this also comes with a major pay cut... that's just the icing on the cake.

I left feeling stunned.  Worked out the day - well, until 4 pm, that's as long as I could make it.  Bawled my eyes out on the way home.

This job.  It has been no secret that I've loved this job.  I have become very close friends with my co-workers, and felt like I was really a part of this small family business.  I thought this could be long term, that I'd found something special.  And suddenly, everything was different.

Suddenly I felt like I was walking around with a sign around my neck.  That I was different.  That I was not part of this team anymore, and never would be.  Not like before.  The gears turned and the projects went on, but I did not feel the same.  This feeling hung over me like a shroud and by the middle of the week I knew.

It's a familiar feeling for me, much more than I would like to admit.  Being unseen.  Unappreciated.  Undervalued.  Spending my time in a state of wonder over whether I am asking for too much, and not giving enough.  I have worked so hard.  These past few years, I have worked SO hard to come out of that place and suddenly, I felt like I was back in it.  And I just couldn't do it.

I'd like to think it makes me strong and not foolish that I quit my job last Thursday, and now here I sit on my second day of unemployment, combing through job postings, updating resumes and cover letters, and searching for letters of recommendation. 

I'd like to think that I'm doing the right thing for me, for my kids, for my future, by moving on to whatever comes next.  Thanks to family, we are safe.  We have a roof over our heads and will never be in trouble like we could be if I were truly alone.

I'd like to think that I know what I'm doing, or where I'm going.  All I really know for sure is that I know my heart, I know myself better than I ever have before, and this is what needed to happen.  Where I go from here is anyone's guess.